My parents, my sister, my girlfriend, my baby daughter, and I have died hundreds of times over the years. 

The reason that can happen is we are all alive but we die in my mind. What I mean by that is I imagine almost every day that people I love and I die. 

I imagine how I would react if my family die, would I just give up on life forever or would I eventually get back on my feet and raise to the occasion? 

I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about my father dying and how the funeral would be like, what would I say, how will people are the funeral react to it. 

If I died how would people react? I know people would mourn but how long will it take before my girlfriend would move on… and would my daughter even remember me given that she is still a baby. 

Sometimes when I think about these things I get kinda emotional and get a lump in my throat. It happens I come across people who have the same kind of thoughts and it is a really big deal to them. They get obsessive about it, thinking it must be important since those thoughts enter their mind and they try to deal with it. it must be a wake-up call to there being something wrong with them or their thinking, and they must act on it.

The funny thing is I don’t think it has ever struck me that there is something wrong with me or my thinking because of these thoughts. I don’t even care who dies in my mind or if I get emotional about it and can feel a lump in my throat. 

Since I was 17 I’ve had suicidal thoughts but again it never really occurred to me that something was wrong. I believe that everyone has had at least one suicidal thought enter their mind at some point in their life. We have all kinds of weird and random thinking, so why wouldn’t that be one of them? 

Obviously I don’t know but I reckon I think about it more than the average person. I don’t know why, it’s not like I want to die or i’m scared of my family dying, maybe it’s just some of the habitual thoughts I sometimes have when I’m alone. 

So what are the truths that I’ve seen about being human that doesn’t make this a problem for me?

  1. We are living in the feeling of our thinking. Even before I had the understanding of how we are living in the feeling of our thinking and not the world, I knew it was just in my head and was 100% a product of my thinking and nothing else.
  2. Me feeling emotional and have the experience of their being lump in my throat is created from the power of thought. the great thing about it being a product of thought and nothing else is that thought by its nature is transient.
  3. Just because I can see vivid pictures and movies in my head doesn’t make them more or less important than anything else that goes on in my mind. It’s just as important as I’m making it up to be.

but if you truly don’t see this then it makes a lot of sense to try dealing with it by trying to change the outside world or making yourself think something else that doesn’t look so scary. 

For me, freedom is probably the essence if you want to experience more wellbeing and peace of mind as a human. Freedom to be okay with whatever is going on in your mind… and how do you get there? By truly seeing that it’s only happening in your mind, even when it doesn’t look like thought it’s still thought but it is just wearing a disguise.

My best
Esben

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