I don’t have any memory of thinking about killing myself before I was 17. It seems like it all came when my relationship with drugs started. My journey in that direction initiated with weed, which didn’t seem like it did a trick on my psyche. If nothing I actually became a lot calmer.

Later I turned to ecstasy, amphetamine, cocaine and once I tried ketamine (tranquilizer for horses). It didn’t take long before my mental state was turned upside down. That was when I lost all the calmness I had gained before.
I was spending a good amount of time in a state of depression and discouragement. I was so caught up in my experience of life that I didn’t know I had an option to experience something else.

Back then I had no idea that depression and discouragement were “merely” experiences, I thought it was how life was.
I don’t recall having any understanding of how my mind worked. I just knew I was feeling and I felt horrible. Which meant I was spending a fair amount of time thinking about dying.
I could not see beyond my thinking in the moment.

Back then I didn’t know that “see beyond my thinking” was exactly what was going to change my life several of years later.

In the last couple of years, I’ve seen more about how our mind work than most people do in a lifetime. It has helped me tremendously seeing where my experience of life comes from and that I’m not the thinking that goes on in my mind nor my feelings.

In the last couple of years, my suicidal ideation only seems to show it’s face when I’ve been drinking alcohol (kicked the drugs a long time ago). After a couple of beers and me being alone with my thoughts, that is when it comes back. Just recently I found out that alcohol is a depressive drug. Luckily we are not victims of the chemical reactions that goes on inside of us.

It’s been really great seeing that feeling depressed isn’t giving us information about us or our lives.
Depressed is not just depressed. There is the feeling and the experience of it. Our relationship to our thoughts and feelings is the key to have freedom in our mind.

You’ve had the experience of peace within you, and most of the time you probably think it’s only present when you have the “right” circumstances and thus feelings. Luckily that’s not the case. We actually have the ability to experience it at any moment, regardless of what is going on both outside and inside of us.
The reason we are able to experience inner peace at any moment is that we are not our thoughts, feelings or body. we are something more. You can say we are that which perceives it all, though sometimes it definitely doesn’t look like that’s the case. When I’m really caught up, I can’t see it just like everyone else.

I know the reason for me being able to experience such inner peace in the midst of my suicidal thinking, is due to my understanding of how the mind works.
Suicidal thinking is no longer something to deal with because I experience freedom in my mind in the midst of my apparently shitty thinking.

The understanding of how the mind works has given me a lot, but two things that have really helped me to “deal” with my feelings of being depressed and suicidal has been.

1. Acceptance of my experience in the moment. This is so great because it means I no longer have to fight my thoughts and feelings. It’s something we tend to do and it can cause a lot of suffering.

2. seeing beyond my thinking in the moment. When we start tapping into the source, we get a glimpse of what is beyond our thinking in every moment. Thought is ever changing, that’s simply the nature of how it works. I can’t control what experience I will have next, but I know there is something beyond what I’m thinking in this instant. In every moment the potential to have a totally new experience is present.

To me, it looks like peace is what surrounds our experience, and when we get to focused on our experience in the moment we can lose sight of that which is always present, the experience of being at peace.
We can use the metaphor of the sky and clouds. If you too caught up in the shape of the clouds you won’t notice the sky, even though it’s always present.
No matter how many clouds there are and whether they rain or snow the sky is always there and undamaged.

So now when I get caught up in my suicidal thinking, I’m consciousness enough and able to see that it’s not saying anything about my life, it’s merely telling me what kind of thinking I have in the moment, nothing more, nothing less.

My best
Esben Andersen

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